Tuesday, November 27, 2012

9 Ideas of What To Get Your Husband for Christmas

I'm always getting presents that my wife has the right intentions for, but I'm really not after. What does a husband actually want for Xmas? What should you buy them? Well, being a husband, I'll give you some hot tips.

1. Out Cards

These are things I wish I had. They work similar to soccer, when a player is shown a red card that person must immediately stop playing and leave the field. I'd love to have a card I could whip out that gives me an "out". An immediate end to an argument when the out card is shown, or a non-requirement of having to go to that thing she likes. What a great idea! Your husband will love you. It's the ultimate gift for your husband. You can give one out card or many. Totally up to you. These things don't actually exist, so mock one up on a nice bit of red cardboard. That's the way, you know you want to.

2. Event Tickets

Buy 2 tickets for him and his best mate to a game of his favourite sporting team. Local games would be the cheapest. Not a sporting fan? Maybe he'll like tickets to the next biggest band that is coming to town. Check through his music collection to confirm he's actually into the touring band you're buying tickets to. (If you buy him tickets to Aqua, I will not be liable to your stupidity)

3. Entertainment Book

These entertainment books exist to purchase from various locations. I understand they would differ in other countries or locations, but they should still exist in some format. They are a book full of vouchers for various different things, from Restaurants to Sporting Venues to Hotel stays. Every husband is a cheap ass and a book full of vouchers for all his favourite things is a great idea.

4. Socks and Jocks

The staple diet for Christmas presents is underwear and socks. Even though every guy goes, 'ergh, socks and jocks' they will be thankful when piling through the underwear draw in their time of need. I know I've sat there on many occasions swearing at my holy socks, only to find an unopened pack waiting to be loved. The wife is often thanked for coming to the rescue.

5. Lawn Fertiliser

What man doesn't love his lawn? To stare endlessly at his beautiful section of planet that he owns and has grown himself gives fuel towards his testosterone and makes him the man he is today. Giving fuel for said lawn will keep him happy until the sun goes down (because it's dark and he can't see his lawn no more). Ok, maybe it's just me that is a lawn fan, but it's something I need right now to keep my grass green in the Aussie heat, so I'm sure there's other husbands out there worried just like me!

6. Watch

Watches are a great idea for the guys.  Not only does it bring some sophistication to your husband man, but it also helps remind him how long he's been down the pub.  An important accessory to hold for any man to come home on time to that lovely wife of his (good save Tork..).

7. Imported Beer

Nothing is cooler for a guy than to babble onto his mates about how good his fancy beer is, especially if it's imported from overseas.  German beers are highly regarded worldwide.  Get something real fancy.  If you can pronounce the beer easily, perhaps not fancy enough.  Speak to your local alcohol vendor about their best imports and your husband will love you for it.

8. Chocolates, Nuts, Chocolate Covered Nuts

Choccies have long been thought as the favourite for the ladies.  This is quickly becoming a mis-conception.  I recently bought the father-in-law a bag of chocolate covered nuts and he said "Two great things combined! Thanks!". I couldn't agree more.  This gift is especially good because it can be given to husbands of any age.

Plus, any leftovers can be an opportune time for a wife to step in and hoover some down.  The gift that keeps on giving.

9. Breast Implants

Just kiddin' :-)

What gift ideas do you have for your husband?  What love to hear your ideas!

- tork

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Elmo is Gone!

Big news in the children television world.

Elmo is gone.

Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, has announced his resignation as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street.
It is a sad day for kids worldwide.  A voice recognisable on TV to ages young and old will surely sound askew in future programming.

Thanks for Elmo for teaching kids so much over the years, especially how to laugh.

- tork

Monday, November 19, 2012

Introducing Tork's Dad Joke Book. Three to Giveaway!

I am excited to finally announce..

My book is finally finished!!!

I can't believe I've actually done it.  I've always wanted to have my own book and now I do..


The Very Best Dad Jokes.  By Torkona E.

I'll be donating $1 of every book sold to the Little Heroes Foundation.  Something I've been wanting to do for a very long time, to help children with serious illnesses.  Great work I've witnessed first hand that deserves as much help as they can get.

A big thanks goes out to a few people.

Blurb.  Without the team at Blurb, I wouldn't be where I am today.  Their software greatly helps the Average Joe create their own book.  Although very pricey, definitely grateful for their existance.

Tina Gray, Baldy Chaz, Reservoir Dad, Melissa, Colin . These kind folk took time out of their busy lives to verify and review the book. I thank them for their time, their quotes, their ideas and help for this dad blogger.

Everyone who clicked share or like via my Facebook page, or re-tweeted my tweets and twatted me encouragement. Thanks for the motivation!

Check out the dad joke ebook page today, but don't purchase a copy yet.  Why? Because..

I'm giving away three copies today!!

Enter below for your chance to win yourself a copy of my new book.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Good luck!  ..and thanks everybody.

- tork

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I'm Writing a Book! - Sneak Peek

If you have hit like on my Facebook page, then you'd know about my current project in the works.

I'm writing and illustrating my own Dad Jokes book!!

I am truly excited about it.  Writing my own book is a very high thing to do on my bucket list.  Sure, I always thought that I'd be writing my own novel or sci-fi story, but a joke book counts and I really hope that it's something people will enjoy.

I want to give my boy a Christmas present I made, but the main premise behind it is to give something back to the community.  My focus for a long time is to help a charity that provides support to sick kids and their families.  These charities are close to my heart.  I've seen the great support and love that these sort of folk show, especially for my family when my boy was unwell in hospital. I've always wanted to give something back and writing a book with money donated to charity has always been in the back of my mind.

When I was contacted by the people at Blurb to write a book, I knew that it was the push that I need to get the ball rolling properly.  Now, after months of work I am so close to finishing it.

I will be giving info of the book through the Facebook page until it is ready to pass onto the general public.  Here is a sneak peek of the back cover!

Why did the banana go to the Doctor?

Because he wasn't peeling very well!

Hilarious.. I crack me up!

I'll be looking for people to review the book once it's completed.  So if you enjoy crap jokes like I do, please drop a comment below if your'e keen on reviewing my book and I will talk to you about it.  Would greatly appreciate it.

Final touches still to be completed.  Will keep you posted.  I hope some people out there are interested in it! If not, at least I've enjoyed myself and will finish something I've always wanted to do.

Yippee!!!  Talk soon guys.

- tork

Monday, November 12, 2012

Christmas with a Toddler - Keeping Away from the Tree

Oh god, I just realised that my little one is going to be a terror this year. Not because he is older or steadily reaching the terrible two's, but because he is getting into absolutely everything.




Toilets.. (don't ask)

Everything must be investigated and tested just in case it might be ice cream.

I've realised it is going to be impossible having a Christmas tree up this year. With the Christmas pageant now finished, tradition says the tree's gotta go up too.

It's just a plastic one that we've always had. Last year it sat atop a table out of harms way to a crawling child. This year there is no way it wont be left alone.

It will become the greatest play thing this kid has yet to see.

With a child that is cheeky as hell and without the understanding of the word 'No', it is going to be tasted and pulled faster than you can say "don't touch that or it's reindeer for dinner!".

I asked the wife "What are we doing with the Christmas tree this year? How are we going to keep the young fella away from it?"

She said leave it in the box.  Smart thinking that wife of mine...

Any suggestions? How are you keeping a toddler out of the tree this year?

- tork

Friday, November 2, 2012

Melbourne Cup Winning Formula System - How To Not Lose Your Bet

If you're like me and sick of losing your Melbourne Cup bets each and every year, you want to find that bet to win you big on the biggest horse race that stops a nation. I've got the winning formula system so that you will not lose this year!

Here's what you do.

1. Take $50. Yep, lets go hard here people, you can do it! Put the $50 to the side for now on the table infront of you for incentive for the big prize.

2. Take out the betting slip with your favourite pen or pencil handy. You'll have to nominate on it that you are betting for the Melbourne Cup at Flemington.

3. There's usually 24 horses (pending any scratchings), so 24 is our number of horses to choose from at the maximum. We're going to pick 4 horses in this step as a First4 bet. This can with you hundreds of thousands if an outsider gets in. Here we go!

First: the day you were born. If it's the 25th or more, add the two numbers together and that's your horse.

Second: Add up all the jewellery items you are wearing right now. Include watches and glasses on this one. If it's the same number as the first, simply add one.  If it's zero, put something pretty on.. for god's sake! hehehe

Third: Take all the numbers in your license plate and add them together until your number is 24 or lower. If the number you get is the same as any of your first two, keep minusing by one until you get a new number. If you reach number 1 and it's still not unique, got to 24 and keep minusing one. I got you covered!

Fourth: Hold your breath. Something you'll be doing just before the start of the race. Time how long in seconds you can hold your breath for. Take the seconds as the number of the fourth horse. For 25 or higher, add the two numbers together for the horse number. Keep adding 1 to the number until you get one that isn't the first three. If you reach 24, go to 1 and keep adding until you get a new number.  Phew!

4. By now you have the first four horses that will make it past the post. Aren't you clever!  You can box them to increase your chances of winning.

5. Fill out your betting slip for all your horses you have chosen.

6. Here is the special part.  Hold the ticket firmly using both hands using only your index finger and thumb, as if you were pinching the ticket.  This is known as the "Tork Good Luck Special Pinch".  Works every time.

7. Hold the
 ticket above your head, still with a firm pinch.  Take one hand and pull it down quick ripping the betting slip in half, making it useless!

8. Oh no! Now you have a ripped up ticket!  But look down on the table and see a $50 note sitting there. 

Congratulations, you have just found the Melbourne Cup system that will never lose your bet!!

Works every time..

Good luck!

- tork