Best Dad Jokes

The definition of a dad joke.

• One that is embarrassingly bad
• One that only the dad finds funny

Here are my best dad jokes.

Click to purchase The Very Best Dad Jokes eBook for $2.99!!!

I was once a pantomime cow.  I mooved the audience to tears.

---

I've just been diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple!

---

Want to hear a cat joke?

No?

Ohh, you gotta be kitten me!

---

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

---

Last night I dreamt I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted.

---

Why don't you play any games with the God of Thunder?

Because he's a Thor loser.

---

I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

---

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea..

---

Son: "I feel Hungry"

Dad: "As long as you're not feeling Jordan too then that's ok with me"

Click to purchase The Very Best Dad Jokes eBook for $2.99!!!

I've told you a million times, stop over exaggerating!

---

Man, my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.

---

Why is it always in the last place you look?

---

I'd never have more than one wife.  But if I did, that would be big of me.

---

You know why they call it Rhinoplasty?

Well, have you ever seen a sexy Rhino?

---

What does a pirate say when he's having a heart attack?

Argh me arteries!!

---

I've got a dentist appointment.

It's at 2.30

---

Son: "Back shortly"

Dad: "Ok, but don't call me shortly"

---

Mum: "Ohh look, free baby samples"

Dad: "No thanks, already like the one we got"

These jokes are just the tip of the dad jokes iceberg! :-)

Click to purchase The Very Best Dad Jokes eBook for $2.99!!!

Have you got a dad joke?  What is your favorite?

- tork

My Son Needs Oxygen Every Day. Or Does He?

My son needs oxygen everyday.  This is what my wife and I were dealing with a few months ago when my boy would stop breathing or make a very loud bird like noise called striding.

His striding would keep us up at night. Well, it kept my wfe up at least. I sleep through anything!

But this has slowly started to get better.  Through oxygen oximetry tests, his oxygen rates that we were providing have gone down dramatically. He sleeps right through the night and so quietly now that you sometimes wonder if he's still there.

We were also told he has vocal cord palsy on both his vocal cords.  A symptom that leaves people unable to speak or with a husky voice. This is a symptom that appears mainly when there is trauma to the cord during pregnancy or birth.  He did have the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck (poor little guy) but this is common and is not yet a proven cause of the symptom. We had scans on his brain to see why he would have this condition, but that came back as normal.

So, he just had it. He had vocal cord palsy. Couldn't say yes definitely, but the doctors did anyway.

As my lovely return readers will know, he hasn't shut up for months.  Every morning me and him have a chat before I go to work.  We've since come to realise that he was simply inflamed during his camera down the throat procedure, but the hospital was too rushed for time with a back log of patient procedures.  So they came to a conclusion quickly to save time that it wasn't inflamation but the palsy.

They sent him back to his room too fast and due to his inflammation, his breathing was constricted and he almost stopped for good.  That was our scariest day, where we almost lost him.

But, thats all a nasty memory.  A time we'll look back on to see how lucky we are to have our little boy.

But this post isn't about a whinge fest.  It's about something more important.

I am happy to say that after all these months..

HE'S FINALLY OFF HIS OXYGEN!!

And aren't we two happy parents!  We finally have our son back.  His face is no longer covered by plastic tubing specs. We no longer will trip over annoying cords or worry about snagging him or hurting his neck when the cord gets stuck.

He's been a trooper through it all though.  Hardly cries with it on his face.  Loved playing with it, loved sticking it in his mouth.  He's been a really good boy and never stops smiling or laughing.  I don't think it ever really bothered him..

The worst time I've ever had was being in the children's hospital around sick babies with tubes down their throats or with heart conditions.

It's terrible, but eventually it will be ok.

If you know a parent going through a similar time in their life, let them know you're there for them and it will be ok too.


So, my little lion cub is off his oxygen.  We love it.  But FYI, he still has it on during the night, only on the extreme lowest setting.  That doesn't annoy us or him though.  He sleeps, we put it on his face.  He wakes in the morning, we take it off.  It's like it was never there.

Look out world, here comes my boy!

- tork

10 Things You'd Hate About Me

I was tagged over at Tattoo Mummy to share 10 things about me that you'd hate.  I don't often get so personal, but I know you really want to know!

1.  I have smooth hands. Women are jealous. I don't why. They hate that too.

2. I can serve a tennis ball at around 200kph.

3. I have a vertical leap of 64cm. I once jumped over a small car.

4. My fastest time for the 100m sprint was 11.75, about 2 seconds slower than the world record. (showoff)

5. My first car was given to me, and no, it wasn't a shitbox.

6. I've been to Paris and seen the Mona Lisa.

7. I've been to London, travelled to Stonehenge and stood in the middle of it.

8. I often win "In 25 words or less" competitions, but am too lazy to enter them.

9. I never pay for a professional massage.

10. My son is cutest thing you will actually ever see.

:-)

Now to pass the buck! Here are some people that I'd like to know about:

Finding Ones Way
Raising Amelie
Tbaoo
Nappy Daze
Sweepy Jean

They Grow Up So Fast

It's amazing.

Already my little tacker is on his belly, looking around, rolling around. Each day he looks different. Each day he laughs just that little harder.  Man, he is growing up so fast.

He's at a great age.  Old enough to react to you but not old enough to answer back.

And cute as hell.

But I am looking forward to so many more things.

I'm looking forward to showing him things that I didn't have growing up.  Movies like Star Wars (shown in the order god intended), The Matrix, Lord of the Rings.  Other things like online gaming, cars for toddlers, talking Alf doll (I really wanted one, eventually bought one for $1, but it didn't work :( hehehe).

This is a problem I've found though.  A lot of parents that can't wait until they grow up.  Yeah, I am one of them, but I also can't wait until I get home each day.  Can't wait until I get to do with him all the things he's doing now.
His latest tricks is to lay on his belly, lift his head and turn it to look at you behind him.

It's these little things that people sometimes forget.  It's great to look forward to things, but it's better enjoying him being a baby.

:-)

Lord knows he won't be this adorable for the rest of his life!

- tork

Snip The Tip - An Emergency at Home of sorts

The trouble with going to work and leaving baby at home with mum is that you aren't around if anything bad happens.  As dad, you think every now and then about how far away you are from home in an emergency.


"Ring-Ring" goes my phone.

"Yep, what's wrong" I say to my wife, a usual answer I give other than hello, especially when I'm busy and stressed with work.

"Argh!  I cut off his thumb" cries my wife.

"What the crap?!  What happened"

"Well," starts my wife "I was cutting his finger nails and there's blood.."

"Good God! Is he ok?  Do we need to go to hospital?  Is it his thumb you've actually cut off?"

"No, not his thumb" she sobs "It's just the skin off the top.  He's just crying and there's blood"

"Phew!" I say with relief "I thought his whole thumb was hurt"

"I'm a bad mum, I hurt my boy" cries my wife.

"No, don't be silly.  Every mum has probably done it by now.  I'm surprised you've lasted this long!"


This is what I dealt with, being away from home and thinking for about 5 seconds he was hurt badly. Wish I could always be around, but money has to be made. This is what dad's have to go through.

I thought it was gone!  Thought he'd never be able to do any gaming against his old man!  (Yes this was actually one of my thoughts)

It's all good though, no damage done.

But remember mums, when there is the teeniest tiniest bit of blood that appears on the top of any of the phalanges (aka. fingers), settle down, remember you aren't a bad mum, then call your husband and laugh about what has happened.

:-)

She makes me laugh that wife of mine sometimes hehehehe

- tork

The Oxygen Test. Do We Finally Disconnect My Son?

My boy has had his oxygen test to see whether it is time to come off it or not.

My wife and I sat by his bedside throughout the night, with him attached to a device called an Oximetry machine.  This Oximetry device sounds daunting, but it is simply a electronic strap to his foot that measures his heart rate and oxygen levels in his blood.

So, we sat through the night, watching him sleep and recording any time he moves.  This is because movement affects readings. Whenever he moves, the number would drop and give a false reading, hence why we stayed up all night.

My wife took the first few hours whilst I slept. I had the second shift.

Time for my shift and I was dreading staying awake. I had our portable DVD player good to go and watched quality shows like Little Britain LIVE and then Zombie Strippers. Both fantastic films and highly recommended for other fathers.

Got through the night fine with one feed for baby and one large mug of coffee.  Ten hour test done, and he did really well.

Our next important day was our visit to his doctors regarding the test. We were both looking forward to getting him off his oxygen.

However..

:-(

He is still on his oxygen.

Mother bleep.

He has, however, confirmed by the doctor, had a fantastic test and now looks and sounds like a normal baby!

Awesome!

He still is on his oxygen but at a rate of release that is more than half less of what it originally was. They're just taking baby steps, just in case.

Meanwhile, the wee whipper-snapper is doing fantastic.  All he wants to do is stand on your lap and roll over in his cot.  Not bad for under 5 months.

He did however turn over on his belly in his sleep.  Our latest and more normal problem to worry about! Hehehe.

Now we have hopefully just one more Oximetry test left and we can take the tubes off his face.

But until then we are doing a test that is more fun. Solids.

I love watching the expression he makes on his face whilst eating it. I think the scientific name for it is "What the fuck is THAT?"

:-)

- tork

My Surprise on Fathers Day

It's my first fathers day.

:-)

I am excited.

Not sure why, perhaps it is because it cements the fact that I am actually a father.  I know I am a dad, but things really do take a while to sink in.

After months of nappy changes and dealing with the usual wife nagging (hehehe), it kind of slips your mind that you're now a father and responsible for a little human person for the rest of his life.

Anyway, its my first official fathers day and I'm looking forward to a day of BBQing just because I can, watching as much sport as possible and installing curtains in the house.

Food, sport, handyman work.  Looking forward to it.

Happy Fathers day to all the dads.  Make sure you tell your own dad to have a great day.

So what was my surprise for father's day?  I got the usual socks and jocks that I assume to keep getting over the years, but I also received this gem.  I love it with my whole heart!

Thanks wife! Surprised he sat still long enough to do this! :-)

Ahhh technology, this post was created sitting in bed on this lovely man day hehehe.  Think I better get up and cook me some eggs!

- tork