If Shakespeare Was Australian

I love poetry and writing.

A great inspiration to me (and many) is William Shakespeare.

Imagine if Shakespeare was an Australian.  A true blue, fair dinkum Aussie.

Hmmmm.. this is how I'd imagine he'd write like:


Oi! What bloody light through that window there breaks!  It is the east!  And Juliet is a great sheila!




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What's in a name? That we call Bruce.. By any other name would smell as bonza bewdy.



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Hamlet:
G'day chicky babe, how'd you like this play?
Queenie:
The lady does bloody protest too much, I reckon.




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All the world's a stadium,
And all the blokes and sheilas are merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
They call him Gary Ablett Jnr.




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To beer or not to beer, that is the question.
Whether it's no beer in the hand, you'd suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous pub prices.




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Fartin' is such sweet sorrow




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Oi Robbo, Robbo.. where the bloody hell are you Robbo!?



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Alas poor Bazza, I knew him well.




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A plague on both your houses!  Oi mate!  You're fucked!




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I really should put my time to better use :-)

What do you think?  Have you got your own Shakespeare quote turned Aussie?

- tork

15 Gift Ideas For Dad This Xmas

Stuck for ideas on what gifts to get dad for Christmas this year? Don't know what to get your father, your kid's father, or husband and you're stressing out about it?

Well, I'm a dad. Who better to give you gift ideas for your own dad or husband this Xmas than me?

Dads love their crappy dad jokes. Therefore, one of the number one things that dads would love is joke books.

Click "Add to bag" below to grab yourself a great ebook copy today!

The Very Best Dad Jokes

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Here are 15 more ideas of what this Dad would be wishing for under his Xmas tree:

1. Golf Clubs

At some stage in their life, a dad will want to golf.  A set of new golf clubs will get daddy or hubby out of the house and away with their annoying dad jokes.  It will also get dad fitter and healthier, unless it is a bad mother set of clubs that comes with an inbuilt esky.  That would be awesome.

2. Expensive Alcohol

Don't skimp, it's Christmas. A well aged scotch, a fine port or an imported carton of fancy beer will put a smile on dad's face from ear to ear.

3. Hardware Store Voucher

Dad's don't care about whether you give them a voucher as a present, especially if it is for his local hardware store! Don't even bother buying something there for him because even strolling through the aisles will make him happy.  Guys like to window shop too (especially with that massive outdoor BBQ setting that he never is going to afford).

4. Condiments

Find something out there, something different.  One of my favourite finds was fish spices that included Eucalyptus.  Dad's enjoy cooking too, and a fancy spicy sauce for a BBQ Steak, or seasoning you'd never heard of before, is often a good idea.

5. Stupid Hats

Dad's love them.  My dad once wore his captains hat we got him for ages. As embarrassing as it may be, it's Xmas, and you'll laugh about it for years to come.

6. Novelty T-Shirts

If there is a t-shirt out there that says "No, I am the Batman", then I must have it. A cool t-shirt with something clever like that can be a great idea. Create your own even. Another suggestion: "My eyes are up here".  I'm giggling already.

7. Poker Set

Ohh yeah, us guys love to play poker.  You can get an el cheapo set for $10, but go a bit flashier.  Get a set with plenty of chips. Only one deck of cards is needed.  Then dad can invite the boys over for a night in of cards, whilst wifey goes out on the town for her own fun!

8. Board Game

Growing up, there were these things before computer games called board games. Remember those? Dads will love playing classics like Pop-up Pirate or Hungry Hungry Hippos, so even the old ones or second hand (in great condition) is a great idea.  What I would really love one day is a chess table.  It's a table for two with a chess board top. You can then buy elaborant pieces, but this gets kind of pricey. Teaching my boy one day will not only be educational, but great fun.

9. Fart Putty

For the dad or husband who's got everything. Don't judge me, it's great :-)

10. Sock and Jocks

As much as we might groan at underwear as a present for every gifting occasion, we realise down the track how lucky that present was when holes start to appear in things.

11. Domain Hosting

Dad or hubby like to blog? Get them a domain! Little Hero Hosting is a local Australian business run by a mum.  They register and host for cheap. Consult with Dad on this before purchase of course, but go for it! Need more of us dad bloggers!!

12. Photograph on Canvas

Has dad or hubby taken a photo that he loves?  Turn it into a portrait! Services exist online to upload a photograph, select portrait size and have it arrive on your doorstep in a week.  Favourite memories will then always be on your wall to remember.

13. Something Homemade

Dad's love anything homemade from the kids, especially in the first couple of years of birthdays and Christmases. Artwork is usually the way to go, otherwise be inventive!  It's also a cheap option for the penny pinchers.

14. Coffee

Keep the instant coffee for when guests arrive. Give dad the good stuff. Look around to find the best coffee beans and give him a big bag. Will also be worthwhile getting a coffee machine and all them do-whackies that go with it.

15. Solar Powered Water Fountain

Sounds a bit of a weird gift? Well, this is what I've been after for a while now. They're sold at hardware stores and likely at plant nurseries, but eBay have loads as well. Dads like to potter around the garden. We love digging holes :-) A small fountain can be very cheap and can also keep kids/mums in the garden as well. 


But don't forget, Dad's love their jokes.  Get Dad their own copy of "The Very Best Dad Jokes" and you will have his Christmas present finished today with one swift download!

The Very Best Dad Jokes

was

AU$4.99

AU$2.99

Save

40%

Click to find out more about The Very Best Dad Jokes eBook

So there you have it. 15 ideas for dad this Xmas. Please link to this page on your own blogs if you liked it!

Good luck shopping!

- tork

Ps. If you have ideas for what to get mums, you gotta help me out :-)

Here We Go Again

I wrote this last week beside my son's hospital bed.

The other night it happened again.  We thought he's just got a cough.  We put the baby boy down to sleep like we always do.

Half an hour into his sleep, he can't breathe.  He's coughing and sucking in deep breaths.  This sniffy nose of his is turning out to be what they always told us when he catches a cold, an immediate trip to hospital.

After the wife manages to bring up the phlegm that was annoying him, we're in the car with a boy that is breathing better.  I'm telling the wife to slow down through the speed camera light intersections whilst I'm in the back checking on him.

We get to emergency and bypass a filled waiting room of sick babies.  Glad for that, but the scorn faces of others that we push past burns as if we were the worst people on earth.

We soon are told our boy has croup.  If you know our story with our baby not breathing properly, you'd know he has tracheomalacia. This plus croup is not a great combination unfortunately, as croop narrows his breathing passages and his condition already has it narrow enough.

On to the meds, which give him an allergic reaction.  Out come the hives.  There is now concerns he might swell up.  On to an oxygen mask that sprays adrenalin in his face.  This helps open his airways.

It works like magic.

So he has an OK night's sleep after all this.  He still has his cough though, but he still has his smile.  All his stats look good. 

As I write this beside his hospital bed, I am hoping we'll go home today, but I don't want to go home and go through all that again.  Enough with the freak out moments.  This part of life we can all do without.
So I am staying close in his room.  I'd hate to walk the corridors and bump in to parents we've met on previous stays. I want them all to be home. I don't want them to still be here.

Stupid croup.

My whining on Twitter about not being able to afford my old lifestyle of computer gaming doesn't matter so much anymore.  All my time is focused on my boy to care.

Silly things aren't they?

- tork

Our Baby's Health: The Story Continues

We don't have it nearly as bad as other parents I've met during our times in baby hospital. It was the most depressing time of my life and I still feel so bad for all those parents with sick kids

But our boy is on the mend and this post is all about the exciting news I've been keeping from you. Too bad it hasn't come to fruition.

Here's the story so far:


My Baby Boy Can't Breathe Properly
Oh Boy, Will You Ever Speak?
Don't You Love a Misdiagnosis?
Why Doctors Can Sit on it and Rotate
The Oxygen Test: Do We Finally Disconnect My Son?
My Son Needs Oxygen Every Day. Or Does He..
When Baby Leaves Their Bassinet and Upgrades Rooms


So my little boy has been off his dependency to oxygen tanks during the day for a month or so. It has been great. He's still on it during the night though. This is the news that I want to tell you, that he is off it for good.. but I can't.


During my all nighter of watching him during his oxygen test, he apparently didn't do so well without the oxygen connection. He had a bad night, a restless one. He's teething.  He also has a Cough/Cold.  That doesn't help his sleep and also my persistant coughing during because of my flu didn't help, but that was taken into consideration (apparently). He dropped below levels when he shouldn't have, but I'm pretty sure I didn't do the test right.


It's hard doing it by yourself! It's hard staying awake and sane for 24 hours just staring at a sleeping baby. As cute and as interesting he may be, sleep needs to be chucked in somewhere.


Oh well, another 2 months of oxygen at night for my poor little boy, and another 2 months of us watching over him at night in case the oxygen cord is wrapped around him by accident. We have to wait until next year of course because it's Christmas and the doctors are busy.


Yay.


But we'll take it in our stride and remember all those kids we met in hospital that are still in hospital today. My little tacker was only in there for two to three weeks of his life, some haven't left after two years. My thoughts are often with those parents and I realise how lucky we are.

But it's not all bad news. I have fantastic news too.

Remember how my boy is supposed to have vocal cord palsy and we weren't sure if he is supposed to be able to speak?


In the last few days he has been talking!  Guess what his first word is?


"Da-da"!


You can stick vocal cord palsy up your ass you stupid doctors!!  :-)


I win the race to be the first word. Yes!




So we're currently seeing around five different doctors (including a speech therapist). Four have categorically said he does not have vocal cord palsy. The last one is the team that said he had it in the first place. They say he probably hasn't got it, but you think they'll ever admit to their mistake?


Pigs might fly out of Kim Kardashian's big fat ass when they do.


I guess talking isn't a good enough sign that he will ever be able to talk.  Go figure.


Thanks for all your support with your comments and tweets.  I love seeing them all and try to respond to each one.  Hopefully next time I am talking about it we'll be all disconnected for good.


- tork

Here's Who I Look Like

You wouldn't know what I look like.  That's because I've never really shown you.

My internet alias keeps me hidden, and I know that annoys a lot of people.

So to tease you even further, here are my dopplegangers, AKA people that I am told look just like me.

Enjoy wondering!

Daniel Vittori - New Zealand Cricket Captain

Chord Overstreet - That guy on Glee

Sebastian Vettel - Formula One guy.. this one annoys me.. grrrr!

Prince William - Maybe more when we were both younger

The unknowing still annoying you? ;-)

- tork

Questions From My Wife

Questions From My Wife is a series on this dad blog to give moms/mums a perspective on what their husbands actually think, answering those annoying questions that every wife wants to know.

Q. Why Don't I Do Anything?

A. Anything?  That would mean I would be dead, wouldn't it? Breathing is something, so I do do something (hehehehe doo-doo).

If you mean, why don't I clean more, I do clean!  I clean up the food off my plate after I cook for the both of us. And, err, ooh, the outside.  I clean up outside.

Yes yes, I'm not a big cleaner.  You remember the state of my batchelor pad, don't you?  I think I've come a long way from there!  Building Mt Everest out of plates and cutlery is a thing of the past.

The weekend gives me more time in the day to do things.  I don't want to clean at night! Coming home from work is time spent for me to play with the little boy, as well as rock him to sleep.  So give me the weekends for the odd clean up.

House looks great as it is anyway.  You do a good job considering our boy is starting to crawl and teethe!