Sunday, December 23, 2012

Does My Bum Look Big In This? - Aussie Daddy Bloggers Kris Kringle Event 2012

I'm part of a great group of Aussie Dad Bloggers partaking in the Innaugral Kris Kringle Event.

A group of Dads asked Mums "What is the most important questions you'd like to hear answered by a bunch of blokes?".  As per your average Kris Kringle gathering, the presents/questions were handed out in random for us Dads to answer.  And also as per your average Kris Kringle we swapped our gifts that we didn't like.  HAHA!

I was happy to take on this taboo topic.  So, as the second last poster in this Innaugral Kris Kringle Event, I give you...

On the the 10th day of Kringle Aussie Mothers gave to me..

Does my bum look big in this? A Dad's guide to answering life's tricky questions

I can never understand why my wife asks me questions like "Do I look good in this?" or "Does this make me look fat?".

She could be wearing a dress made of Venetian blinds and a necklace of leftover Christmas Turkey and I will still say that she looks great.

I wonder what Kate said when Pippa asked her that question..

Every guy that has spent long enough in their relationship will always say their partner looks great for whatever they wear.  The main reasons for this are:
  1. Any answer other than "You look great in anything", or similar to that, sets any guy up for ammunition in an argument (future or immediate).
  2. It doesn't matter what any guy says because she will change her mind anyway.
  3. He is hungry and simply wants to get out and fill his face at that local place that you like.
Don't be annoyed though gals if your man friend isn't the most helpful sod.  He is only trying to make life easier for the both of you :-)

Most guys actually have the exact same question.  We just rarely ask it or we just simply figure it out for ourselves.

So skip asking your partners because they'll answer without even looking at you! (Comment if your partner has done that. I expect hundreds of comments hehehe)

Best Responses to "Does My Bum Look Big In This?"

Years of dates/occasions has taught me well. I'm pretty sure I have the correct answer for every question possible.

So guys, here are the best responses to "Does my bum look big in this?" that I can come up with:

  • Honey, you look great in anything!
  • You still look as gorgeous as the day we first met.
  • Well, there's really no point going out now. Let's stay at home for our own party!
  • I think I can see a parking ticket on you, 'cos you be fiine!
  • You put the purrr in perfect.
  • Babe, if beauty were time you'd be eternity.
  • You must be Jamacain because you're Jamacain me crazy!

Heehehehe.. made myself laugh there.

And.. just for fun.

Worst Responses to "Does My Bum Look Big In This?"

Lads, don't even try to give these responses to your partner.  Yes, they're as funny as a fart in an elevator, but just keep in mind the number of operas you'd have to see to make up for your behaviour!

Here are the worst responses to "Does my bum look big in this?" that I can come up with:
  • It might look better on your sister.
  • If you were a booger, I'd pick you first!
  • I like bug butts and I cannot lie. Y'all other brothers can't deny.
  • Girl, if I were a fly I'd be all over you, because you are the shit!
  • It doesn't matter what you wear because that hottie Amber will be there tonight.
  • I think the size of your hands are a good enough distraction from your arse.
  • Yes it does.

Good advice there to definitely not use any of those.

Remember, sometimes jokes can go too far..

It definitely is a cracking line, but don't use it if your partner is crazy

But you want some real advice girls.  It takes a nerd like myself to tell you there is an app that will solve all your problems.  And it's an Australian app!

My Social Stylist is an iPhone app that you share pictures of yourself with friends wearing the clothes you aren't certain of wearing.  Friends can vote yes or no whether they like the outfit, with a lot more features as well!

You're welcome.

Guys, show this to your wives.  You owe me so very many beers.

- tork

PS. big thanks to the Aussie Dad Bloggers group. Been great connecting with you lads.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Eat the Cake!

At a certain point in your life you realise that you get older (you may have read about this).

There's the old people that love life, holidaying around the country, pointing at cathedrals and large flying birds whilst going "Oooh!".  There's also the old people that are unhappy, swearing at parents with loud children or yelling at clouds.

That’s not the way you should age. You should be as alive as you can until you’re totally dead.

This is of course dangerous.  You should take advice from others when doing things and not be gung-ho about it. You have to be sensible. You don’t want your last words to be “Hey is this off?” or “Hey everybody, watch this!”.

You change, your body changes.  Things become a tender box down there. It definitely won’t be the world’s best thing to be found charred & handcuffed to your other half at the age of 83. I don’t want to use the word lube, but I think I just did.

The world is confusing, there’s no doubt about it. You've got to be on good terms with pleasure and make the beast inside you happy.

Beast? What beast?  If you don't know about it, you ignore it at your own peril!

The beast inside you only has one request from you…


This is what we deal with every day of our lives.  The constant fighting of the boo-hoo with the yummy yummy, the bad and the good.

You just got to know what the good stuff is and what the bad stuff is.

The good stuff is everything that you're not allowed to do.  Like cake.

Cake is great.  Eat cake.

Seriously, whoever invented cake was a god damn f*cking genius.

Why ignore Cake!  Especially around Christmas, birthdays etc..  Cake makes you happy.  Do more stuff that you reckon is the good stuff!

The bad stuff is things like, you know.. erghh.. F*CKING MORNINGS.. I hate mornings, why dammit, why!

"Rush rush, we're going to be late", stuff that.  What's going to happen if you're late?  You can rock up late wearing a Tutu that smells like fish, the same shit is going to be there..

Whatever you do, remember more yummy yummy.

If anyone ever offers you a cake, you eat that massive slice of spongey, creamy goodness and you are going to love every god dam minute of it!

Ohh my god yes..

- tork

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Great Deal Christmas Gift Ideas from Target

Target recently offered me to be one of their Brand Ambassadors.  It took me seconds to say yes. Sometimes you need man advice for shopping too!

Sometimes you also need insight to what a guy is buying you for Xmas ;-)

Here are a bunch of examples of great gifts that you can buy your friends and family this Christmas at Target.  They are all my own choices and suggestions!

ooooh!!  Look at them all!

You're going to have to excuse my crappy photo taking skills..

Christmas Hampers

The staple gift when you have no idea what to buy someone.  I would stick to buying them for folks aged 35 and over only.

Target have lots of varieties of Hampers.  I grabbed a couple of the cheaper ones to combine it with a bottle of goon from the local publican, just to add that extra touch.

Target's Small Christmas Hamper - $16


Target has a variety of different watches to choose from, but I recommend choosing a men's watch as a present. They're a simple, yet useful present to bang around in for any lad.

Got a boy that always forget's what the time is?  Give him a watch!  No excuses for being home late and more reason to dock his pocket money and use on your Dr Pepper addiction..

Men's Gift Watch - $20

Nail Polish

Chicks like Nail Polish don't they?  I don't get it, but I found a set of 6 different colours, Nail Polish Remover and Nail Polish clear-make-look-shiny stuff.

I know this one girl who's always got a different nail colour going on, I'm sure she'll like this.  If you know someone the same, then Nail Polish might be a good idea as well!

Chi Chi Vive La French Manicure Set - $19.95

Hot Sauce

Ok, who has a Husband or a Dad that likes their meat with hot sauce?  I know I do..

..don't be dirty and take that the wrong way people!  I'm talking about cliché sauces that any guy (or gal for that matter) would be happy to add to their steak or burger to spice up their life!

These sauces I picked up are so corny.  "Ass Kickin' Roasted Garlic Hot Sauce". Mmmm interesting!

"Hot Sauce from Hell".   Mmmm devilish..

"Ass Kickin' Cajun Hot Sauce".  Hee hee hee, there is a Donkey kicking on it.  ASS-kicking.  Dad jokes and spicy sauce all in one. Cheap too!

Hot Sauce 3-Pack set - $12

Milkshake Maker

This would have to be my favourite of all the presents.  A Milkshake Maker.  I can taste a banana milkshake right now!

Its cooky colours might stand out in the kitchen, but I like it.  Who wouldn't, it makes Milkshakes god dammit! And a cheap buy as well.

Milkshake Maker - $15

Go check out Target this Xmas folks.  Great bargains and a bunch of gifts for family and friends!

- tork