Friday, February 24, 2012

Bad Blogger Step 4: Life's Rambles

Welcome to Step 4 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This one, I'm not sure how it's going to work out..

4. Use long paragraphs

My boy is growing up so fast. He stands now. Not so much by himself, he still needs something to hold onto, but he'll get himself onto two feet without a worry. Man he's growing fast. He'll be one year old soon. He's making me feel very old. I'll soon have a one year old son... Argh!! That is crazy. I remember a time long past when I was wondering if I'll ever even have a girlfriend, let alone a wife, a house, a kid. It seriously is amazing how fast time passes. You do look back on your life as it moves so fast. You look at days you wasted and wishing you could go back and waste them all again. And you remember friends you've had and lost, wondering what they've been up to without having to add them on Facebook. Hell, remember when there was no social media like Facebook? Remember when mobile phones didn't even exist? I remember telling mum "I'll be back by 5 o'clock. I'm just going down to school to shoot some hoops." If my son was ever to do that, I probably wouldn't let him go without his phone.

How the crap did we ever manage? How did our parents know where we are. These days I am sure kids are telling their parents that they are going to Place A, but going to Place B, knowing full well Mum and Dad won't show up without a phone call first. My Mum would randomly come to the Basketball courts to come get me, even shoot some baskets too. I also remember when I almost knocked myself out after setting up benches for dunking competitions. Now, schools are locked, parents are seconds away from communication with their kids, and I am weeks away from turning 30. Holy shit. Doesn't life just creep up on you super fast? I'm looking forward to my boy's first birthday, but I'm also looking forward to every single birthday after that. Someone tell him to stop growing so fast! Someone tell me to hit record on my Video Camera more often too! I keep forgetting, living more in the moment than recording the moment :-)

How do you recommended slowing life down? Perhaps taking a break and hitting the Enter key occasionally?


- tork

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Congratulate me, I'm a new Mum!

You'll have to congratulate me, I'm a new mum!

I'm the latest addition to the team at Kleenex Mums.  You're looking at their first ever dad!

I talked recently about my blogging goal for 2012, on how I want to be a voice in the parenting blogging community as a father, with almost every parent blogger in Australia a mum. Where are there dads?

Well, we are out there! :-)

Hopefully I'll get to do more writing for more prominant sites, such as Kleenex Mums.

Remember, it takes two to tango, and normally two to parent. Dads have got stuff to say too!

..and you'll hear more out of this here weirdo :-)

- tork

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Bad Blogger Step 3: I'm Blogging Drunk. Weeeoo!

Welcome to Step 3 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This one, I'm not sure how it's going to work out..

Step 3. Write drunk

It's 7:26pm.  I've had my first gulp of alcohol.  Then my second.  I've also only eaten a handful of Beef Ravioli that was leftover from the night previous.  Methinks it shall not take long for my sentences to cease using words such as "night previous", "methinks" or "cease".

My drink of choice: Castaway Pear Cider. I bought a carton about a month ago and lost the mood for cider, so there's heaps left.

There's a bout a six pack left, so lets see how much damage I can put into it.  I think it's time to sit back and watch a DVD I've borrowed from a friend..

Mmm Pear Cider.  Must leave some for when it gets sunnier. 9:19pm.. into my DVD series of Game of Thrones I've borrowed from a friend.  Very good and addictive and that.. Love the age and what life was like back then, living in castles, fighting for power and land.  Ohh.. and all the rooting.  high fives for all the rooting.

On another note, I've found leftover Gin in the cupboard.  Pissed off there is only enough for one glass.  Stupid alcoholism.  Must learn how to make own alcohol like in M*A*S*H, but I fear killing myself making it!

9:34pm, rhymes with the girls in this show i'm watching.. Anyway, what is this blog of mine all about?  Being a dad? Sure.. More so, life as a dad. I was going to write something else, but I forget what it was.

10:05pm I really could go for some chips right about now.  Potato and onion chips. Man they are good.  I've only got Migoreng noodles in the cupboard. Is that how you spell it? I dunno. I can never figure it out.  Can't cook them cos it will wake up the boy.

My fingers are heavy.

10:22pm I love my readers, I really do.  Even the ones that might anonymously contact me to tell me I suck. I love you guys.  Sometimes I might check my stats and see it reach past a person point.  A certain point, I mean. I love that! So thanks. My keyboard has lots of colours and it can change from blue to pink to red.  I love my keyboard too.

10:54pm I think I might have to pay whomever says don't blog drunk because although it may be amusing to perhaps a few, it really hasn't been very interesting to me.  The challenge of writing drunk and using my brain is a challenge.  I'd rather not be drunk to write.  bahh!! stupid logic.

11:07pm yep thats it.  I think i've had enough of the brews.  I really need to add more liquor to my cabinets.  Too much cider is too sweet and I now have a Gin craving.  But I was thinking.  I think that the dragons myth exist because early man discovered dinasaur remains and said "dragon", and made up a bunch of stuff around that.

Yeah... Wish I could think up something so cool no one has thought about before!

God I'm sleepy.. I should sleep.

Fell asleep at my desk,  dammint... Z zZZZz ZZzzzzzzZZzzZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

It's 9.17am the following morning.  I think it is safe to say, do not blog drunk! I had trouble of thinking what to write.  Looking back on it, it definitely isn't my best work, that's for sure. Certainly I did get a few chuckles out of it, but it's something I wouldn't consider or recommend to others to do.

Unless you think you could improve upon my babble!  And how lame of me by the way to fall asleep at 11pm.  Been working too hard!

So what do you think of my job blogging drunk? Did I get a chuckle out of you?

- tork

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Bad Blogger Step 2: Here is a picture of my doodle on the table

Welcome to Step 2 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

I'm trying my best at doing all the steps it takes to be the worst blogger in the world, trying to prove it wrong that there are no rules in blogging.  So here's the next one..

Step 2. Don’t spend more than 30 seconds working on your headline

It took me 10 seconds to write this post headline.  I'm maybe a bit embarrassed because I really should have thought it through further.

I mean.. my doodle, on the table... for all the world to see.  Why did I write that!  Now I can't take it back!

Me showing you a picture of it is probably not the world's best idea.  But, I don't want to mislead anyone that has clicked this post.

So, I guess I better, just...

You know.. post the picture I took of my doodle on the table.

I just hope you don't laugh too hard at my doodle.  It's not a very big one...

Well, my doodle was a bit bigger than this, but I had just rubbed it off!  :-)

Ok, enough of the doodle/penis jokes. Hahahaha.

If you don't know, it's just a quick sketch I did of an old game called Asteroids.  Loved that game.

Why I Didn't Spend Time on my Headline and How You Can Too

Well, sometimes I might have a great idea for a post.  I will just write the headline for it and work around that.  Other times, I will just write something in that headline section and if I think I can write a good post around it, I will leave it and run with it.

It's sometimes a great source for inspiration. It doesn't always work, but it goes to show that it doesn't always need to be important.  You can do it too!  Just write down either something you'd think would be funny, something you might not usually write about, or whatever is the first thing to pop into your head!

I honestly took 10 seconds to write the headline.  I happened to have a photo in my mobile phone of this picture I drew on my desk.  The headline just sort of came to me because I remembered I had the photo.

But seriously, have fun for gods sake.  Don't treat each post like it's going to be your latest masterpiece.

A photo of my actual wang.. now there's a masterpiece!


Before I get too carried away, what do you think? Did I do a good job with the headline? Do you spend long on your headline or do you just whip it out for the world to see?

Ok, that was my last double entendre, I swear.

Love to hear your thoughts!

- tork

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Bad Blogger Step 1: Story about goats

Welcome to Step 1 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This series will try to prove that there are no rules in blogging, that there isn't such a thing as a bad blogger.  Let's see how we go with...

Step 1. Do no research whatsoever before writing a post

I'd like to tell you more about a fantastic creature call... the goat.

The goat is a magical feline that is a god in some countries. It is known to be awesome in several different ways.

A story goes that the Pygmy Goat of Great Britain saved a group of children from colliding with an oncoming school bus.  Unbeknownst to the bus driver, a group of around 5 children were playing hopscotch in the street, a game that involves throwing rings around a peg from a distance, of which said pegs are alight with fire whilst dwarves dance around singing Beyonce's song "Single Ladies".

The Pygmy Goat noticed the children in peril and charged towards the children.  Upon reaching the group, the goat stopped and growled, a defence mechanism used when in danger against its predators.  Much like the eye's of Predator from the movie with the same name, the goat's eyes turned greenish-yellow, freaking the shit out of the kids and sending them running away.  This running away sent the kids into safety with the bus driving beyond the children with no casualties. The goat was not heard of since, but a single photo was taken.

Goat in defence mode
A goat's knowledge of impending doom is well known.  This sense of catastrophe has not gone unnoticed to the people of Botswana, who use the goat's milk as a substitute for bath water.  In a land where water can be rare, goat's milk is a useful resource to clean, but it also provides to the bather an increased knowledge of their own bad luck.  The only downfall is the number of goats required to fill a bath, which is somewhere between 5 and a shitload.

Mbomba Jabar is a shining example of a goat's milk bath. He was lucky enough to dodge a falling glass coke bottle from the sky after bathing in the goat's milk.  He knew it was coming! The hit would have surely knocked him to the ground.

A movie was actually made about his fortune, but re-written to have him be hit fair and square in the head with the bottle in "The Gods Must Be Crazy" because it was much funnier.

The Gods Must Be Crazy

Not only do goats sense danger, they also are excellent smellers.  In Alaska, they are often substituted for sniffer dogs in Airports and at Border Security.  Due to all the Huskies pulling sleds and St Bernards getting skiers drunk, the need for sniffer dogs are filled by Mountain goats.

The Mountain goat is a fantastic hurdler of suitcases amongst the moving suitcase line. Hopping upon one bag to another, the goat will source anything from drugs to undeclared foods. The odd delicious granny panties get eaten however, which is an unfortunate downfall in this gap in this sniffer animal field.

But if you think that you are at a Border Security that you know has no sniffer dogs.. beware!  A goat may just be lurking around the corner.

Goats will sniff your shit

These are just three example of the magical feline the goat.  When next at your petting zoo with the kids, introduce them to these wonderful creatures.  They'll be amazed for hours.

- tork

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Time to put my blogging to the test

© Photographer: Jakub Jirs├ík | Agency:
I'm a big fan of Problogger.


This guy is a leader in the blogging community.  He knows his stuff.

He has loads of folks begging to guest post at his site.  So many that he actually charges people to guest post.  Smart.

Fyi, I don't charge for guest posting here and I'd love for you to guest post on my dad blog!

Anyway, I recently read 13 Steps to Being the Worst Blogger on the Planet.

I thought, Karol from ThemeFuse, I see what you're doing there, but that's not exactly right.

There are no rules in blogging.

And because recently I've been told I am a terrible blogger (sob, you hurt my feelings anonymous person you, sob), I plan on showing how good that being bad can be.

I'm calling it the I'm a Bad Blogger series.

Stay tuned..

- tork


Here's the series:
Bad Blogger Step 1: Story About Goats
Bad Blogger Step 2: Here is a picture of my doodle on the table
Bad Blogger Step 3: I'm Blogging Drunk
Bad Blogger Step 4: Life's Rambles
Bad Blogger Step 5: A Letter To Me
Bad Blogger Step 6: Speakin' Tricky and stuff
Bad Blogger Steps 7 & 8: Write and Never Look Back

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Blog Goal for 2012

Ahh the parenting bloggy community.

Here's something important I wanted to post about it.  Might've said it before, but here it is again


I think we are overdue for a revamp in the blogging scene in Australia and overseas, where mum blogs dominate conferences and online bloggy communities are built for women.

There is a reason though.  There are hardly any Dads online blogging in Australia. Is it because it's too wussy? Or is the blogging community geared towards mums?

So this is my main goal for 2012. To break the mould of parenting bloggers, that dads have a story too.

I want more dads blogging, especially in Australia. It's a great way to keep memories, share stories and hear parenting things from the other side of the fence.  From the dads.

Over the year, I'll be pointing my fingers towards some cool dad's out there, as well as great mums as well.  I might even be re-igniting the coveted Torkona Award for 2012.

Hopefully, as a Dad, I will be an important voice in various places around the online community, doing more freelance writing work.  I hope I'll be a great source for parenting stories, trials and joy, as well as sharing my life as a dad and as me. Hopefully it will help break the mould and encourage more dads to blog.


Please share my goal with other bloggers via your own blog, Facebook or Twitter. That would be rad ;-)


If you are a blogger that is willing to let me break the mould and guest post on your site on anything about being a dad, please get in touch.

Yippee!  What fun I'm going to have :-)

- tork