Bad Blogger Step 9: Need More Fibre in my Posting

It's Step 9 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

9. Post as irregularly as possible

Ok.

What.. is that a bad thing?

I couldn't be more irregular unless I printed my posts out on cardboard and then ate them.

But why force daily posting similar to sites like The Huffington Post?  Or churn out something twice a week?

How about, write something when you feel like it, when you are moved to. If that's every day or every week, great! So long as you love it!

Write when you want and your readers will know it.  Write so you aren't giving the experience that something new you've written is similar to what a monkey would write that is being paid with a box of carrots.


hehehehe I love monkeys.


Be eccentric, be unpredictable, be different.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice.

Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

How often do you post?

- tork

Bad Blogger Step 7 & 8: Write and Never Look Back

Welcome to a double special of Steps 7 & 8 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

These two steps are the same thing.  Stupid hey...  Ohh well, let's have me some fun with this.

7. Don't edit & 8. Don’t even profreed

Here's a good test for you.  Write something and never look back.

Don't edit as you go along.  Don't poofread, or profreed or whatever that silly little blogger man said.  Write whatever comes to your mind.

I can remember days where I would just open a notebook, take out a pen and just write away.  Sure, i'd re-read and cross things out I didn't like, but this day and age, no one writes any more, they type.

You lose all that crappy stuff you wrote with a simple backspace key press, or a hightlight + delete key.

Blah!  I like looking back and thinking, "Gah.. what a weirdo".. It's cool to see your train of thought.  Cool to see how you get to where you are, or so to speak.

Ever seen a book that was ever not edited? No.

Ever seen an article that wasn't edited? No... unless you're reading on of them fan-dangled newspaper thingo's that often emit tripe by the bucket loads to fill the pages between the adverts!

Reading as the person is thinking might seem fresh.  It gives you that insight, that non-edited insight.

Fresh. That's what blogging is you know.  It's all about people writing that aren't writers.  People expressing themselves in ways they have often dreamt about for a long time.

Expressing themselves even without anyone knowing who they really are.  An online diary of stories of sorts.


Oooh!  It's thundering tonight.  Ain't thunder brilliant?  A bellow from the sky to remind you that you are just a small freckle on a bigger, earth shaped freckle.


But I do digress because I wan't to give you a wee bit of an insight i to how my cogs turn when an idea of sorts pops into my noggin.  I give you..

The Shrinking of the Human Race

So I was thinking.. yes I know, I've gone on a completely different tangent, I know...

Yeah, so I was thinking, the human species.  You know, us..  Are we all getting smaller and smaller?  I know that I've always wanted girlfriends that were slightly shorter than me.  Yes, terrible I know, what taller women have to go through as they also would prefer a guy to be taller than them (so I'm told).

Anyway, I know it's a complex, but I'm certain a large majority of males think this way, and vice versa that women prefer someone taller than themselves.  Correct me if I am wrong, by the way..

Taking this large majority of cases that the man is taller than the women, that these couples have children.  A majority of these children are going to be of a height somewhere between their mother and father.  It's biology people! I know, because I passed it in my last year of schooling, so therefore it makes me an expert :-)

So the majority of children are going to be shorter than the father, albeit not by very much, but still shorter.

Take this over many generations. Progressively, people will become shorter and shorter.  Am I wrong about this? Is our average height changing as we turn into those little green men over the centuries?

You might say, our ancestors from millions of years ago we're basically the same height though.  But our ancestors didn't have the social stigma that there is today of men in a relationship with a taller women (or vice versa).  Again, it's not right.  And sure, it's not the majority of cases.  But, you think of your friends and family and determine how many times the male is shorter than the woman. Not too many?  Love to hear from you.

Anyway, I say, if you're single guys, find yourself an Amazon.  A beauty of taller than you proportions and love her until the sun rises. It's not something that I really see happening though unfortunately.

Any tall girls like a shorty guy? Hmmm... We're destined to become little green creatures aren't we....

So I got the "how we all become shorter" premise down, I just don't understand how we become green with big, bugs eyes.


If I start to write about that now though, you'd start to wonder how I managed to procreate a child of my own!

Procreate.. is that the right word?  Ahh well, can't edit, can't proofread!  At least I tried my best to not make any spelling mistakes *cross fingers*

Hope all that makes sense! Yep... I'm a weird one...

- tork

please share if you liked this

Bad Blogger Step 6: Speakin' Tricky and stuff

Welcome to Step 6 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

When I speak and stuff, them thingo's that I speak out my mouth mightn't be the bestest words, but when I write, one tends to become further educated and pronounced...

6. Use complex language

This one is going to be a little bit different.  You'll have to read my page and Tracheomalacia and Vocal Cord Palsy. Two conditions that my son (supposedly) has.

Why in a page and not a post? You'll have to wait until I finish this series..

..whenever the bloody hell that will be!


Hmm, should've done an ocker language post hehehe!

- tork

Bad Blogger Step 5: A Letter To Me

Welcome to Step 5 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

Yes, I'm still writing about how you can pretty much do anything when blogging. The experts might tell you that you shouldn't do blah blah blah etc, but why not if you love doing it!  Here's me writing to myself..

Apparently a no-no! :-)

5. Write as if you were writing to yourself

Hey Tork, it's Tork here.  Just wanted to let you know a few things.

Firstly, you're rad! *insert high five here*

Secondly, you're old man!  30 years old sure has snuck up quick! Don't think I haven't seen you getting out of the car as if you were 80 years old. You sure are losing a bit of fitness in your old age now aren't you? Why don't you start playing more sport? Been ages since you smacked a tennis ball.

Buy yourself that set of golf clubs you've been craving to start playing. Don't lose your fitness just because you've been too busy playing with your kid, who I dare say, is scarily becoming more and more like you. Hehehehe.

Yeah, that kid of yours sure is growing fast.  He'd almost be a year old now hey? All those health problems has really drained it out of you and your wife though hasn't it.. I just hope the overnight hospital stays you did on those terribly uncomfortable beds didn't give you health problems of your own with a sore back! Glad you stayed though every night. I think your boy loved always having someone by his side.

Your boy looks great now though, crawling at extreme speeds is more fun for him than working out that standing thing, isn't it? Hehheehehe. And he's saying words when you were told he wasn't able to!

Brilliant!!

I don't know how he picked up the word "the". How are you ever going to explain what "the" means?  Good luck with that.

Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked. I wanted to tell you, well done on sticking it out with your dad blog. Keep at it because there isn't many of you and it'll be great to one day look back on what you've written, especially when that memory loss sets in.


But, you've been working too hard! Take a holiday with your family. Get away for a weekend and recharge. I know you can't afford it, but you should just do it anyway. Figure it out and go have some fun.

Life is often full of crap things, like mornings before work.. Ergh!

Cotton balls... blah!

Finding out the Milk was off that you drank this morning.. bleh BLergh!

Do less bleh, no's, and why's... Do more, YES! and WOO! and YUM YUM!

Eat cake.. cake is great.



Anyway, that will do it from me, so I hope all is well. Make sure you send love to your mum from me.

All the best.

- tork

ps. I boinked your wife. my bad.

Bad Blogger Step 4: Life's Rambles

Welcome to Step 4 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This one, I'm not sure how it's going to work out..

4. Use long paragraphs

My boy is growing up so fast. He stands now. Not so much by himself, he still needs something to hold onto, but he'll get himself onto two feet without a worry. Man he's growing fast. He'll be one year old soon. He's making me feel very old. I'll soon have a one year old son... Argh!! That is crazy. I remember a time long past when I was wondering if I'll ever even have a girlfriend, let alone a wife, a house, a kid. It seriously is amazing how fast time passes. You do look back on your life as it moves so fast. You look at days you wasted and wishing you could go back and waste them all again. And you remember friends you've had and lost, wondering what they've been up to without having to add them on Facebook. Hell, remember when there was no social media like Facebook? Remember when mobile phones didn't even exist? I remember telling mum "I'll be back by 5 o'clock. I'm just going down to school to shoot some hoops." If my son was ever to do that, I probably wouldn't let him go without his phone.

How the crap did we ever manage? How did our parents know where we are. These days I am sure kids are telling their parents that they are going to Place A, but going to Place B, knowing full well Mum and Dad won't show up without a phone call first. My Mum would randomly come to the Basketball courts to come get me, even shoot some baskets too. I also remember when I almost knocked myself out after setting up benches for dunking competitions. Now, schools are locked, parents are seconds away from communication with their kids, and I am weeks away from turning 30. Holy shit. Doesn't life just creep up on you super fast? I'm looking forward to my boy's first birthday, but I'm also looking forward to every single birthday after that. Someone tell him to stop growing so fast! Someone tell me to hit record on my Video Camera more often too! I keep forgetting, living more in the moment than recording the moment :-)

How do you recommended slowing life down? Perhaps taking a break and hitting the Enter key occasionally?

:-)

- tork

Bad Blogger Step 3: I'm Blogging Drunk. Weeeoo!

Welcome to Step 3 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This one, I'm not sure how it's going to work out..

Step 3. Write drunk

It's 7:26pm.  I've had my first gulp of alcohol.  Then my second.  I've also only eaten a handful of Beef Ravioli that was leftover from the night previous.  Methinks it shall not take long for my sentences to cease using words such as "night previous", "methinks" or "cease".

My drink of choice: Castaway Pear Cider. I bought a carton about a month ago and lost the mood for cider, so there's heaps left.

There's a bout a six pack left, so lets see how much damage I can put into it.  I think it's time to sit back and watch a DVD I've borrowed from a friend..

Mmm Pear Cider.  Must leave some for when it gets sunnier. 9:19pm.. into my DVD series of Game of Thrones I've borrowed from a friend.  Very good and addictive and that.. Love the age and what life was like back then, living in castles, fighting for power and land.  Ohh.. and all the rooting.  high fives for all the rooting.

On another note, I've found leftover Gin in the cupboard.  Pissed off there is only enough for one glass.  Stupid alcoholism.  Must learn how to make own alcohol like in M*A*S*H, but I fear killing myself making it!




9:34pm, rhymes with the girls in this show i'm watching.. Anyway, what is this blog of mine all about?  Being a dad? Sure.. More so, life as a dad. I was going to write something else, but I forget what it was.





10:05pm I really could go for some chips right about now.  Potato and onion chips. Man they are good.  I've only got Migoreng noodles in the cupboard. Is that how you spell it? I dunno. I can never figure it out.  Can't cook them cos it will wake up the boy.

My fingers are heavy.





10:22pm I love my readers, I really do.  Even the ones that might anonymously contact me to tell me I suck. I love you guys.  Sometimes I might check my stats and see it reach past a person point.  A certain point, I mean. I love that! So thanks. My keyboard has lots of colours and it can change from blue to pink to red.  I love my keyboard too.





10:54pm I think I might have to pay whomever says don't blog drunk because although it may be amusing to perhaps a few, it really hasn't been very interesting to me.  The challenge of writing drunk and using my brain is a challenge.  I'd rather not be drunk to write.  bahh!! stupid logic.





11:07pm yep thats it.  I think i've had enough of the brews.  I really need to add more liquor to my cabinets.  Too much cider is too sweet and I now have a Gin craving.  But I was thinking.  I think that the dragons myth exist because early man discovered dinasaur remains and said "dragon", and made up a bunch of stuff around that.

Yeah... Wish I could think up something so cool no one has thought about before!

God I'm sleepy.. I should sleep.




Fell asleep at my desk,  dammint... Z zZZZz ZZzzzzzzZZzzZZZZzzzzzzzzzz




It's 9.17am the following morning.  I think it is safe to say, do not blog drunk! I had trouble of thinking what to write.  Looking back on it, it definitely isn't my best work, that's for sure. Certainly I did get a few chuckles out of it, but it's something I wouldn't consider or recommend to others to do.

Unless you think you could improve upon my babble!  And how lame of me by the way to fall asleep at 11pm.  Been working too hard!


So what do you think of my job blogging drunk? Did I get a chuckle out of you?

- tork

Bad Blogger Step 2: Here is a picture of my doodle on the table

Welcome to Step 2 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

I'm trying my best at doing all the steps it takes to be the worst blogger in the world, trying to prove it wrong that there are no rules in blogging.  So here's the next one..

Step 2. Don’t spend more than 30 seconds working on your headline

It took me 10 seconds to write this post headline.  I'm maybe a bit embarrassed because I really should have thought it through further.

I mean.. my doodle, on the table... for all the world to see.  Why did I write that!  Now I can't take it back!

Me showing you a picture of it is probably not the world's best idea.  But, I don't want to mislead anyone that has clicked this post.

So, I guess I better, just...

You know.. post the picture I took of my doodle on the table.

I just hope you don't laugh too hard at my doodle.  It's not a very big one...

Well, my doodle was a bit bigger than this, but I had just rubbed it off!  :-)

Ok, enough of the doodle/penis jokes. Hahahaha.

If you don't know, it's just a quick sketch I did of an old game called Asteroids.  Loved that game.

Why I Didn't Spend Time on my Headline and How You Can Too

Well, sometimes I might have a great idea for a post.  I will just write the headline for it and work around that.  Other times, I will just write something in that headline section and if I think I can write a good post around it, I will leave it and run with it.

It's sometimes a great source for inspiration. It doesn't always work, but it goes to show that it doesn't always need to be important.  You can do it too!  Just write down either something you'd think would be funny, something you might not usually write about, or whatever is the first thing to pop into your head!

I honestly took 10 seconds to write the headline.  I happened to have a photo in my mobile phone of this picture I drew on my desk.  The headline just sort of came to me because I remembered I had the photo.

But seriously, have fun for gods sake.  Don't treat each post like it's going to be your latest masterpiece.

A photo of my actual wang.. now there's a masterpiece!

*sigh*

Before I get too carried away, what do you think? Did I do a good job with the headline? Do you spend long on your headline or do you just whip it out for the world to see?

Ok, that was my last double entendre, I swear.

Love to hear your thoughts!

- tork

Bad Blogger Step 1: Story about goats

Welcome to Step 1 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This series will try to prove that there are no rules in blogging, that there isn't such a thing as a bad blogger.  Let's see how we go with...

Step 1. Do no research whatsoever before writing a post

I'd like to tell you more about a fantastic creature call... the goat.

The goat is a magical feline that is a god in some countries. It is known to be awesome in several different ways.

A story goes that the Pygmy Goat of Great Britain saved a group of children from colliding with an oncoming school bus.  Unbeknownst to the bus driver, a group of around 5 children were playing hopscotch in the street, a game that involves throwing rings around a peg from a distance, of which said pegs are alight with fire whilst dwarves dance around singing Beyonce's song "Single Ladies".

The Pygmy Goat noticed the children in peril and charged towards the children.  Upon reaching the group, the goat stopped and growled, a defence mechanism used when in danger against its predators.  Much like the eye's of Predator from the movie with the same name, the goat's eyes turned greenish-yellow, freaking the shit out of the kids and sending them running away.  This running away sent the kids into safety with the bus driving beyond the children with no casualties. The goat was not heard of since, but a single photo was taken.

Goat in defence mode

 
A goat's knowledge of impending doom is well known.  This sense of catastrophe has not gone unnoticed to the people of Botswana, who use the goat's milk as a substitute for bath water.  In a land where water can be rare, goat's milk is a useful resource to clean, but it also provides to the bather an increased knowledge of their own bad luck.  The only downfall is the number of goats required to fill a bath, which is somewhere between 5 and a shitload.

Mbomba Jabar is a shining example of a goat's milk bath. He was lucky enough to dodge a falling glass coke bottle from the sky after bathing in the goat's milk.  He knew it was coming! The hit would have surely knocked him to the ground.

A movie was actually made about his fortune, but re-written to have him be hit fair and square in the head with the bottle in "The Gods Must Be Crazy" because it was much funnier.

The Gods Must Be Crazy

Not only do goats sense danger, they also are excellent smellers.  In Alaska, they are often substituted for sniffer dogs in Airports and at Border Security.  Due to all the Huskies pulling sleds and St Bernards getting skiers drunk, the need for sniffer dogs are filled by Mountain goats.

The Mountain goat is a fantastic hurdler of suitcases amongst the moving suitcase line. Hopping upon one bag to another, the goat will source anything from drugs to undeclared foods. The odd delicious granny panties get eaten however, which is an unfortunate downfall in this gap in this sniffer animal field.

But if you think that you are at a Border Security that you know has no sniffer dogs.. beware!  A goat may just be lurking around the corner.

Goats will sniff your shit

These are just three example of the magical feline the goat.  When next at your petting zoo with the kids, introduce them to these wonderful creatures.  They'll be amazed for hours.

- tork

Time to put my blogging to the test

© Photographer: Jakub Jirsák | Agency: Dreamstime.com

I'm a big fan of Problogger.

*waves*

This guy is a leader in the blogging community.  He knows his stuff.

He has loads of folks begging to guest post at his site.  So many that he actually charges people to guest post.  Smart.

Fyi, I don't charge for guest posting here and I'd love for you to guest post on my dad blog!


Anyway, I recently read 13 Steps to Being the Worst Blogger on the Planet.

I thought, Karol from ThemeFuse, I see what you're doing there, but that's not exactly right.

There are no rules in blogging.

And because recently I've been told I am a terrible blogger (sob, you hurt my feelings anonymous person you, sob), I plan on showing how good that being bad can be.

I'm calling it the I'm a Bad Blogger series.

Stay tuned..

- tork

*UPDATE*

Here's the series:
Bad Blogger Step 1: Story About Goats
Bad Blogger Step 2: Here is a picture of my doodle on the table
Bad Blogger Step 3: I'm Blogging Drunk
Bad Blogger Step 4: Life's Rambles
Bad Blogger Step 5: A Letter To Me
Bad Blogger Step 6: Speakin' Tricky and stuff
Bad Blogger Steps 7 & 8: Write and Never Look Back