Saturday, April 2, 2011

Dear Jennifer Lopez..


Dear Jennifer Lopez,

I just wanted to congratulate you on your latest song "On the Floor".  I've got a link below here for you to watch if you haven't seen your film clip just yet (I wasn't sure how busy you've been).

I just wanted to ask if you could perhaps put a little bit more effort into your song writing. I am sorry, this song is fun to listen to, but it really shits me at the same time. If you haven't written it, fire your songwriting team.

Rhyming "Floor" with "Floor" several times over?  Genius!  (please note the sarcasm)

Seriously, how hard is it to find other words that rhyme with floor?  Here is a list of words that would have been suitable:

more chore war whore
lore poor four core
door saw wore bore
gore gnaw sore snore
your boar roar or

I will even give you a few sentences that you could add into your song.  There's still time to change it to make it much less annoying.

  • I like drinking heaps, then I go to bed and I will snore
  • There's a buffet here, lots for me to eat and gnaw
  • Stop fighting now please, there's no time for you to war
  • I like movie shows, but I think Bieber is a whore
  • I like to shake my butt, when boys see me they go "Phwaar!"

There.  A lot of different lines for you.  Just FYI, 'Phwaar' is an Aussie term.  It's a noise that is made when someone sees a person they find attractive enough to 'make it with'.  So, very appropriate for your songs.

I hope that you see this letter before radio stations play this song further to death.  So that would mean you've got about five seconds.

Thanks J-Lo. Keep on, err, backin' it up like a tonka truck *sigh*


- tork