Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Bad Blogger Step 1: Story about goats

Welcome to Step 1 in my I'm a Bad Blogger series. You can find my original bad blogger post here.

This series will try to prove that there are no rules in blogging, that there isn't such a thing as a bad blogger.  Let's see how we go with...

Step 1. Do no research whatsoever before writing a post

I'd like to tell you more about a fantastic creature call... the goat.

The goat is a magical feline that is a god in some countries. It is known to be awesome in several different ways.

A story goes that the Pygmy Goat of Great Britain saved a group of children from colliding with an oncoming school bus.  Unbeknownst to the bus driver, a group of around 5 children were playing hopscotch in the street, a game that involves throwing rings around a peg from a distance, of which said pegs are alight with fire whilst dwarves dance around singing Beyonce's song "Single Ladies".

The Pygmy Goat noticed the children in peril and charged towards the children.  Upon reaching the group, the goat stopped and growled, a defence mechanism used when in danger against its predators.  Much like the eye's of Predator from the movie with the same name, the goat's eyes turned greenish-yellow, freaking the shit out of the kids and sending them running away.  This running away sent the kids into safety with the bus driving beyond the children with no casualties. The goat was not heard of since, but a single photo was taken.

Goat in defence mode
A goat's knowledge of impending doom is well known.  This sense of catastrophe has not gone unnoticed to the people of Botswana, who use the goat's milk as a substitute for bath water.  In a land where water can be rare, goat's milk is a useful resource to clean, but it also provides to the bather an increased knowledge of their own bad luck.  The only downfall is the number of goats required to fill a bath, which is somewhere between 5 and a shitload.

Mbomba Jabar is a shining example of a goat's milk bath. He was lucky enough to dodge a falling glass coke bottle from the sky after bathing in the goat's milk.  He knew it was coming! The hit would have surely knocked him to the ground.

A movie was actually made about his fortune, but re-written to have him be hit fair and square in the head with the bottle in "The Gods Must Be Crazy" because it was much funnier.

The Gods Must Be Crazy

Not only do goats sense danger, they also are excellent smellers.  In Alaska, they are often substituted for sniffer dogs in Airports and at Border Security.  Due to all the Huskies pulling sleds and St Bernards getting skiers drunk, the need for sniffer dogs are filled by Mountain goats.

The Mountain goat is a fantastic hurdler of suitcases amongst the moving suitcase line. Hopping upon one bag to another, the goat will source anything from drugs to undeclared foods. The odd delicious granny panties get eaten however, which is an unfortunate downfall in this gap in this sniffer animal field.

But if you think that you are at a Border Security that you know has no sniffer dogs.. beware!  A goat may just be lurking around the corner.

Goats will sniff your shit

These are just three example of the magical feline the goat.  When next at your petting zoo with the kids, introduce them to these wonderful creatures.  They'll be amazed for hours.

- tork